Always go with the swirl

If you ever find yourself on the road and in need of a restroom, I recommend Dickeys or Jason’s Deli. 

The toilets are clean and if you’re sly you can sneak a soft-serve cone on the way out. 

I prefer Jason’s Deli..they have the swirl. 

My friend, the Whopper, likes Dickeys because he loads up on Pickles and BBQ sauce.  Gross….but FREE!

Rabies sure can kill a good high

So late last night I decided to sit on the front porch with a couple of beers and a bowl filled with some really good hydro.  I had my iPod on and was enjoying the weather, letting my mind slip into a higher state of calm with the help of a little Radiohead.

After about 45 min of sitting and drinking and smoking I started to get up to take leak, I didn’t get far because to my right, not 3 feet,  I found myself looking eye to eye with one of the scariest things I have ever seen.

Poised in a strike position, eyes reflecting the moon light was a Raccoon, a big son-a-bitch at that.  This thing looked to be about a foot and half tall, 15 pounds, and scraggily.

It was frozen on it’s hind legs, it’s front paws just barely off the ground mouth open, teeth showing. 

I swear I almost pissed myself right there.  All I could think of was I was about to get my ass kicked by a rabbi’s infected varmint.

I eased back into my chair, making sure not to give the impression that I wanted any piece of this beast, and kept an eye on it’s movements.

It obviously decided I wasn’t worth the effort and continued on it’s scavenger hunt, easing off the porch and back behind the house. 

My heart was racing so bad I decided I needed another hit or two to calm my nerves and return my buzz to it’s rightful state.  After another 30 min or so and my last beer I got back up and headed to the edge of the porch to finish what I started before the raccoon interrupted me. 

As I stood there letting my stream hit the flower bed that had died a few weeks after I moved in (I don’t know why, I pee on it at least once a week) I started thinking that the raccoon may still be around and waiting for me to drop my guard. 

My heart started racing again and sure enough not a sec later I heard a noise in the pushes next to me. 

I didn’t wait to find out what it was.  Hell,  I didn’t even wait to finish my pee.  I turned and ran back to my chair, my junk flopping out of my zipper, the last drops of pee streaming down my leg. 

I stayed looking at the corner of the porch, waiting for my second encounter with my furry tormentor.  But nothing came of it and after finishing the last of my smoke I headed back into the house to watch Family guy.

If he comes back I may name him two socks and re-enact Dances with Wolves….I’ll call it Tokes with Raccoons