The toilets are clean and if you’re sly you can sneak a soft-serve cone on the way out. 

I prefer Jason’s Deli..they have the swirl. 

My friend, the Whopper, likes Dickeys because he loads up on Pickles and BBQ sauce.  Gross….but FREE!

After about 45 min of sitting and drinking and smoking I started to get up to take leak, I didn’t get far because to my right, not 3 feet,  I found myself looking eye to eye with one of the scariest things I have ever seen.

Poised in a strike position, eyes reflecting the moon light was a Raccoon, a big son-a-bitch at that.  This thing looked to be about a foot and half tall, 15 pounds, and scraggily.

It was frozen on it’s hind legs, it’s front paws just barely off the ground mouth open, teeth showing. 

I swear I almost pissed myself right there.  All I could think of was I was about to get my ass kicked by a rabbi’s infected varmint.

I eased back into my chair, making sure not to give the impression that I wanted any piece of this beast, and kept an eye on it’s movements.

It obviously decided I wasn’t worth the effort and continued on it’s scavenger hunt, easing off the porch and back behind the house. 

My heart was racing so bad I decided I needed another hit or two to calm my nerves and return my buzz to it’s rightful state.  After another 30 min or so and my last beer I got back up and headed to the edge of the porch to finish what I started before the raccoon interrupted me. 

As I stood there letting my stream hit the flower bed that had died a few weeks after I moved in (I don’t know why, I pee on it at least once a week) I started thinking that the raccoon may still be around and waiting for me to drop my guard. 

My heart started racing again and sure enough not a sec later I heard a noise in the pushes next to me. 

I didn’t wait to find out what it was.  Hell,  I didn’t even wait to finish my pee.  I turned and ran back to my chair, my junk flopping out of my zipper, the last drops of pee streaming down my leg. 

I stayed looking at the corner of the porch, waiting for my second encounter with my furry tormentor.  But nothing came of it and after finishing the last of my smoke I headed back into the house to watch Family guy.

If he comes back I may name him two socks and re-enact Dances with Wolves….I’ll call it Tokes with Raccoons